The Science Behind Why We Take Things Too Personally
Stop Making Assumptions About Who You Are
The Problem
Think of a person who has achieved great success throughout her life. She believes her accomplishments prove her greatness, disregards the role of luck or privilege, and thus avoids pursuing anything she may not excel at immediately. She is therefore able to reinforce the belief that she is highly competent and intelligent.
Now, consider her opposite. This person believes that failing in the past means he is a failure. He internalizes failure and incorporates it into his identity. As a result, he misses out on opportunities for success, due to his fear of repeating past failures.
Both individuals may seem like opposites, but they are the same. Their beliefs about themselves restrict their growth. They’ve internalised the external.
The first person hasn’t considered the possibility that maybe some of her accomplishments are because of things outside her control — such as the fact that she had a pretty stable upbringing. Whereas the second person hasn’t considered the role that bad luck or disadvantages may have contributed to his failures.
These individuals demonstrate how easy it is to 1.) take things personally and 2.) build our identities based on such assumptions.
Most of us suffer from the issue of thinking that external things reflect some rigid truth about us. We fail to see things as they are and put analysis into everything. How many times have you heard people utter sentences like ‘I’m just not a numbers person’ just because they found maths a bit boring in high school. Or someone who says ‘I’m just not very creative’ because they’ve always focused on STEM.
There’s also a massive confirmation bias here, we forget all the signs that contradict those beliefs. What about those times you enjoyed maths in school or preferred creative subjects?
This way of thinking is ingrained in us through language. It can even be seen in our daily colloquialisms.
‘I am’
Shame is a focus on self, guilt is a focus on behavior. Shame is “I am bad.” Guilt is “I did something bad.” — Brene Brown
Some say ‘I am jealous’ instead of ‘I feel jealous’.
Others say ‘I am smart’ instead of ‘people think I’m smart’.
This habit may seem trivial and insignificant, but language affects us more than we think. We say these things and internalise them — then it becomes how we make emotions, thoughts or events a part of who we are.
Obviously, the consequences of making things personal aren’t always negative. Ego can be helpful — thinking that your achievements are evidence of something great about yourself won’t necessarily harm you immediately.
But just remember that if you haven’t detached, then when you fail at something or make a mistake or receive criticism, you are equally likely to make that personal too.
The Science
So, I’ve spoken about how as human beings, we tend to make things about us. This tendency is stronger in some people than it is in others. But the question is why?
Split-Brain Research
During the summer of 2020, I had a look at a fascinating book called No Self, No Problem: How Neuropsychology is Catching Up to Buddhism by Chris Niebauer.
The main argument of this book is that a lot of neuroscience research is helping to verify statements in Eastern philosophy that have been passed down through generations — that what we consider ‘the Self’ isn’t a thing.
You may have heard the phrase “the Self is an illusion” at some point in your life, and either thought about it briefly or dismissed it as spiritual mumbo jumbo. But there seems to be far more than just a spiritual angle to this.
Niebauer goes through a myriad of different research studies, but to summarise, experiments in split-brain patients have revealed that the left hemisphere of the brain — is responsible for interpreting stimuli, recognising patterns and formulating ideas.
This is of course useful and important in our lives — but can be troublesome if we take all these thoughts about patterns and interpretations a bit too seriously. The left hemisphere of the brain is where the notion of ‘the Self’ is formulated.
An observation, for example, that someone is looking at you can easily turn into the thought, ‘They are looking at me, therefore they find me attractive, to then reinforce or create an idea about the Self:
Observation: A person nearby is looking at you
Thought: ‘They are looking at me
Ego: ‘I must be attractive to them’
Self: I am an attractive person
This may not seem like a negative process to some. However, Niebauer emphasises the fact that this cognitive bias of ours can not only stimulate the ego but cause unnecessary suffering.
Even if we decide to utilise our left-brain interpreter to build a ‘positive view’ of one’s Self, we are setting ourselves up for disappointment. We will build high or low expectations about what others must believe about us as well as what we deserve.
The Solution — Humility and How to Build It
I wash my heart of all knowledge and forget myself, for I cannot stand before the Beloved claiming to be a master of the arts. I am only a shell for Spirit. I leave reason behind and leap into bewilderment.— Rumi
Humility isn’ about thinking lowly of yourself, it’s about thinking less of yourself — less of yourself meaning that you take away the analysis. Stop wondering why something is happening and what it ‘says’ about you, just simply let it happen.
It may be a wonderful gift we have to be able to analyse ourselves and rationalise to the extent that we can, but for many of us it brings unnecessary pain.
Bear in mind, humility may also involve rejecting positive externalities as well as negative ones. Compliments are a good example of this. We are programmed to let them affect our sense of identity. For instance, being told that you are talented can lead you to believe you are, rather than seeing it as ‘they think I am talented’. We omit the ‘they think’ part.
One could argue this way of thinking is excessive or cynical because compliments and validation can provide us with a healthy ‘sense of self’. And while I don’t know the answer for sure, sometimes I think it may be better to have no sense of self at all.
Having opinions of myself has often held me back more than it helped me. I once thought I am a terrible coder because of how I failed my Python class when I was in high school. But a few years later I did multiple projects with Python in university and then got a data science degree for my masters.
If I had listened to my own hindering beliefs and labels from others (e.g. the idea that I’m a fundamentally ‘artsy’ and ‘creative’ person), I never would have found the willingness to excel at something completely out of my comfort zone.
Sure, identity can certainly help with discipline and mastery. After all, just because we can technically do anything doesn’t mean we should, but if you are bored, dissatisfied or feeling insecure, I encourage you to think about what your sense of self actually is and how you’ve made the external things internal.
Final Words
Stop asking yourself whether you are attractive, average or ugly. Stop asking yourself whether you’re a numbers person or a words person, a funny person or a serious person. Consider that perhaps you are none of these things. You are just you. Words are limited in capturing what or who you are.
Consider that perhaps nothing you believe about yourself is true. Embrace the idea of letting go of rigid self-perceptions, surrender to the uncertainty of your future.
Instead of constantly analyzing and interpreting, allow things to happen without attaching personal significance to them. In doing so, you may find freedom from unnecessary pain and open yourself up to unexpected possibilities.
